Why She Disgusts Me Sux
Lindsay is everything that is wrong with "cross-over stars" today. Out of all the sucky people I bash, Lindsay actually seems to have some palpable talent. The girl can act, at least decently enough, so why is she attempting to start a music career? Stars today feel that because they're famous they can do anything they want, regardless of the fact that they already have an established career in a field in which they have aptitude. Everyone dreams of their fantasy job, but we don't abandon an already fruitful career to play at something we shouldn't even be trying to reach. Yet stars have never been known for their firm grasps on reality, or for reaching any level of actual maturity. Lindsay is a prime example.
Lindsay is not a rockstar, and she will never be one. If she wants to be called a popstar, fine, but the fact remains that the term has come to be more of an insult than a veneration. It takes an astonishing lack of natural ability to be a "popstar" these days and Lindsay is yet another lousy celebrity proving that point.
"I can do whatever I want because I'm famous" appears to be the adage and Lindsay is living it to the fullest. From her laughable attempts at performing as a singer, to her partying her "good girl" image away quicker than you can down a vodka tonic, Lindsay has much maturing to do before she can be considered anything more than a joke. Fuck the crossovers, screw Lindsay Lohan. That is why this page exists.
Lindsay's Big Fucking Joke Music
Why is Lindsay Lohan making music? Why is this actress putting out a pop album?
Because she wants to. Or because her PR people told her it would be a good, money-making idea.
What, you thought it had something to do with talent? How many pop albums today do?
Not many - and Lindsay's is no exception.
This was said of Lindsay's first album, Speak on cdnow.com:
Lindsay Lohan leaps into her much anticipated debut CD with a blast of something that simulates warmed-over Led Zeppelin (the lyrically ferocious "First") and from there finesses it into a stylish experiment in pounding away at teen pop's predictability.
Oh no, I'm not making that up. They compared the blundering little bitch to Led Zeppelin. Led Zeppelin. Because Zeppelin totally had to have someone help them write their own lyrics, and completely compose their sheet music - since they, too, had no idea how to write or read it. There were also people there that played their instruments for them because, though they called themselves "musicians" none of them could play an actual instrument. They also got busted lip-syncing repeatedly because they truly had no musical talents and couldn't perform live. Sure, I see the comparison.
News flash: Lohan's music does not in any way, shape or form or by any stretch of the imagination sound similar to Led Zeppelin's. It does, however, have striking similarities with all of the other generic mass-produced "crap" "pop" that is on the market today. Could this be because Lindsay is not a musician, and cannot create her own music with its own distinct style and sound? It doesn't take a genius to answer that one.
Lindsay, go back to acting before you embarrass yourself any further.
Lindsay's Drinking Away Disney Image
Lindsay likes to talk about her "young fan base" and goes on about not wanting to play roles that are "too mature" because there's "no going back". Yet in real life Lindsay is known to be an underage bar-hopping boozehound. How she can think she's sending a good message to her malleable young admirers is beyond me.
Lindsay is renowned for making merry with notorious party girls Paris Hilton and Tara Reid. There are more than a few photos floating around of her completely smashed, despite the fact that she is not yet of legal drinking age. That's a wonderful message for the kiddies, Lindsay.
The days of Lindsay as Disney's sugary prototypical sweetheart are over. Look for her leaked sex tape or steamy Playboy spread in the near future.
Lindsay's Mammary Obsession Tits
You cannot do a write-up on Lindsay Lohan and not mention her breasts. Of course there is the debate on whether or not they are real. And, true, she does flaunt those suckers like a giant rock engagement ring rather than the simple accoutrements that nature gave her. Personally, I think they're the real deal, but regardless of whether there's muscle or silicone underneath the ample skin, it's obvious that Lindsay loves her tits.
She also appears to have a predilection for wearing clothes that her breasts are constantly about to (and sometimes do) pop out of.
Remember that the vast majority of these photos were taken before she was 18, when she was still tooting her clean Disney-image:
Corey, in the Fan Mail Repository, offers these helpful insights to the are-they-real-or-not debate:
"The valley between Lindsay's breasts are too narrow for her small build and the topmost part of her breasts don't sit properly on her ribcage like most women's do. Take a look at those certain photos of her lifting her arms in the air; her breasts literally follow them towards the sky! The height they go is unnatural.
Then there's the case of the scarring. They are usually 2 ways of breast implants; under the armpit or under the natural sag of the breast NOT near the nipple or near the top contrary to popular belief. I've yet to see any evidence of any scars on Lindsay, but if someone does come across anything, feel free to post a link."
He also adds:
"One more thing...checking out your Lindsay Lohan photo gallery, its easy to see she's obviously flatter-chested in some of those photos!"
Lindsay's Underage Boozing Drinking
Lindsay's wild partying and drunken nights are well documented in articles and damning pictures circulating the web. Considering she just turned 18 last year (ed's note: this piece was written in 2004), one has to wonder if this Disney starlet gives a toss about the message she's sending to her young fans.
Rumors have even begun circulating that the actress is missing work due to hangovers and long nights out on the town.
Isn't it nice to know that she takes her career so seriously? If she's barely 18 and already calling in to work, her "career" won't be an issue much longer.
Lindsay's Crackwhore Make-Over New Look
Lindsay, a blonde you are not and should not be. Other than your obvious flaws and lack of singing talent, I would be wrong to say you are not a stunning redhead; you are actually one of the most attractive of the stars I bash. So one has to wonder what you were thinking when you took a bottle of bleach to that head and melted off all of your buxom curves.
The bottle-blonde, uber-waif look went out with cocaine and the early 90's, darling. Today people are realizing that a woman with a little skin on her bones, and something to hold on to, is far more attractive than one tottering around like a stickbug about to snap in the afternoon breeze.
And if you must be blonde could you not, at least, have your eyebrows follow suit? You're a celebrity, it isn't like you couldn't afford to have a little bleach slathered over your caterpillars as well. The brownish eyebrows do not contrast nicely with the Mac 'n Cheese-yellow hair; it's more than a tad tacky.
Bleached hair and the look of someone starving to death? Are you trying to be Paris Hilton or Tara Reid? Have you really seen these women, lately? They are hideous; they look like broomsticks with a yellow wig perched on top. Surely this isn't the look you were going for? If it was, congratulations; you absolutely nailed it.
From the Mouths of Morons Lindsay Speaks
Lindsay on Being a Role Model:
"Girls my age dress so much raunchier than I'd ever imagine myself dressing. I understand that I'm a role model, though, and I have to look out for that. I have a 10-year-old sister, too. But you also want to be appealing to guys and stuff, that's just something girls feel. It's hard. You want to be that girl that's unattainable to all the guys because there are so many other girls out there that are like that."
- Lindsay Lohan
Breasts completely falling out the front of your impossibly-low-cut black dress? Apparently Lindsay does not consider this "raunchy".
Obviously she doesn't find wearing clothes that are entirely too low-cut for your huge breasts so that they're constantly on the verge of popping out "raunchy" either. Hmm...
Meanwhile, it's nice to know that when Lindsay goes out she remembers she's a "role model" and dresses & acts appropriately.
Lindsay on Drinking:
"We don't have to get stupid and drunk—we can have fun without drinking. You're not supposed to drink in clubs till you're 21, so we have Red Bulls ... I don't want to have a drink and have someone whip out a camera phone and Disney getting it. It's not worth it! I don't want to risk my career for a night of having fun."."
- Lindsay Lohan
Perhaps Lindsay hasn't seen the photos of herself circulating around the 'net showing her plainly sotted? I'd sure like to know what's in those Red Bulls.
Word to the wise, Lindsay dear: if you're going to go around telling everyone you don't drink it might be wise to make sure there aren't tons of photos going about of you drunk. Just a thought.
Lindsay on Posing for Playboy:
"I'm not doing Playboy, no. Never. They contacted my publicist and they asked if I would do their 20 questions spread, which is not a nude photo that they do with it. It's a regular photo. But I do have a Disney movie coming out and a young fan base and I'm not interested in doing Playboy right now in my life."
- Lindsay Lohan
No, she hasn't posed for Playboy, but with pictures like the one to the left - what's the difference? A provocative photo is a provocactive photo; whether the name on the front of the mag is "Playboy" or not.
No Playboy, right, Lindsay? Yet this and this you consider acceptable for your "young fan base".
The Fan Mail Repository
You have the right to your opinion and the right to express it to me in angry, monosyllabic and atrociously misspelled emails and/or guestbook entries.
Before you hit "Send" remember that I, also, have the right to post said email/entry on this website and poke fun at your lack of English skills and obviously questionable musical taste.
You have been warned.
It should also be noted that all comments left in the Fan Mail Repository reflect the views of the person writing the comment and do not reflect my personal views. Whatever they happen to spew forth is on them.