I bash sucky celebs everyday:

Think most stars today suck? So do we.

Star Suck

Fan Suck


These people also suck:

Aaron Carter

Britney Spears

Hilary Duff

Lindsay Lohan

Paris Hilton

 

Before you flip shit:

F.A.Q.

Disclaimer

 

Why She Disgusts Me Sux

Ashlee is everything that is wrong with music and the industry today. She's obviously talentless but has a record contract, a TV show, and an album in the charts. The music industry would like to pass her off as the "rock" to her sister's "pop" act, but in reality Ashlee is nothing more than a joke hanging on desperately to her ditzy's sister's coattails.

She seems oblivious to the fact that more than half of the waking world would rather listen to nails on chalkboard than her voice, or that her attempts to be "cute" only pass her off as more moronic that initially perceived. She cannot sing, cannot dance, and cannot even write decent lyrics - yet she makes millions and is living a pampered life while other true, starving artists may never get their chance to shine after years of hardwork just trying to get heard.

I'm not jealous that Ashlee is "rich" or "making more than me"; I'm angry that she's getting money she doesn't deserve and for some reason thinks she's entitled to. I'm angry that the music industry keeps shoving these talentless pop-tarts down our throats and can't understand why no one buys records anymore. I'm angry that idiots like Ashlee Simpson can rise to the top without so much as batting an eyelash while real potential lies out there untouched and never even looked for.

Finally one of these asshats gets exposed for the no-talent hack they were to begin with - it's way overdue. Ashlee sucks so bad that the magic and miracle of editing and "touching up" can't even make her passably artistic. They have finally stumbled upon one so hopeless that she cannot make it even with all of their help. Fuck the music industry; screw Ashlee Simpson. That is why this page exists.

 

Ashlee's Ear-Bleeding Wailing Singing

Ashlees Singing Makes Baby Jesus Cry Her shrieking has been compared to a dying, prehistoric beast and coyote-esque howls.

There's a good reason.

People, including Ashlee herself, like to point out that she must be talented if her album was at the top of the charts when it first came out.

Yes, it was...(it's called "marketing")...until people actually heard Ashlee sing live.

If she thinks she'll ever have another album high in the charts since opening her mouth in public, she's in for a big surprise.

 

Ashlee's Seizure Flopping Dancing

Ashlee Having a SeizureEvery time she moves I think she's been possessed by the devil and I have an extreme urge to throw holy water at her. Even in her "La La" video with hundreds of outtakes and the magic of editing they could not make the girl bust a decent move.

Ashlee's "dancing" (i.e. flinging herself around as if she's having a seizure) is a trip. If she'd ditch the music career and take her dancing on the road as a comedy act, she'd be awesome.

 

 

Ashlee's Trying to be Her Sister Dumb-Cute Act

Ashlee Is Not a RockerJessica Simpson who, for the record, couldn't look more fake if she'd been manufactured by Mattel, has admitted to hamming up the "dumb blonde" act because, at an early age, she realized it got her attention (mainly from the opposite sex). In other words, she's not as dumb as she pretends to be. Baby sister Ashlee, however, is every bit as stupid as she acts.

In an attempt to be like her older sis, Ashlee tries playing the "cute dumb" act - the problem with this is that Ashlee is, truly, dumber than a box of rocks. She's stupid playing stupid; which is almost painful to watch. Anyone who's seen her over-exaggerated, giggly, girly spastic act can plainly see this. She thinks she looks cool acting like a cocker spaniel on Adderall, when in fact she's too ignorant to realize she only looks like the dumb dork she really is.

Ashlee, you are not cute nor even remotely amusing. The only funny thing about the entire disaster of your "stardom" is watching you dance.

 

Ashlee's Kindergarten Limericks Song Writing

Ashlee Cannot Write

Considering Ashlee's main fan base are kids whose last favorite artists were Barney and The Wiggles, it isn't suprising that some of them jump to her defense by saying "but she does write her own lyrics!"

This defense completely falls to pieces the second you read a line from one of her songs.

If Ashlee's saving grace as a "true artist" is her ability to write her own lyrics, she's in desperate trouble.

...You can dress me up in diamonds.
You can dress me up in dirt.
You can throw me like a line-man.
I like it better when it hurts...
- from "La La"

And to think, she brags about writing her own lyrics. The poor girl truly has no clue.

 

Ashlee's Horrendous Apparel Fashion Taste

Ashlee Cannot Dress HerselfIf Ashlee isn't bright enough to fire her fashion coordinator, then her sister should at least have the good grace to tell her that she's stepping out looking like a dork.

From the bad choices in hair dye, to clothes that look like they were picked up from a garage sale by a blind woman, Ashlee doesn't have a lick of fashion sense.

I'm not sure if she's naturally this unfashionable or her clothes-people are just playing a sick joke on her. Either way, she wins my vote for Worst Dressed Artist Ever.

 

 

Ashlee's Trying Not to be Her Sister Uniqueness & Originality

Ashlee Is Not Jessica and Don't You Forget ItI have a message for Miss I'm-Not-My-Sister-I'm-My-Own-Person:

If you have to dye your hair to prove you are "so different" than someone else then there is a problem. If you simply were that different, it would be obvious. You wouldn't have to do anything to "prove" it.

Also, as a side note, hair dye does not a personality make.

 

 

 

Ashlee's Sick Fuck of a Father Dad

Joe Simpson is a SickoHe's a former Baptist minister who gave up the cloth to turn his young daughters into money-making starlets.

Joe Simpson is known in the industry as a difficult stage-father. He's a loud-mouthed tyrant who has an iron hand over every minute detail of his daugthers' careers.

If that isn't enough, he also seems to have a disturbing predilection for critiquing his oldest daughter's breasts.

Joe Simpson in GQ Interview:

"Jessica never tries to be sexy. She just is sexy. If you put her in a T-shirt or you put her in a bustier, she's sexy in both. She's got double D's! You can't cover those suckers up!"
- Joe Simpson

There is no explaining this statement away - no father should speak about his daughter this way. I'd like to see anyone try to stand up for him after saying something so disgustingly creepy.

Joe Simpson, again, on Jessica's Tits:

"Her chest is ahead of her by about two or three feet. It gets there before she does."
- Joe Simpson

Thanks for making sure we know that you noticed, Joe. As I said...one-sick-fuck.

His relationship with Jessica is a bit odd to start. He gave her a "promise ring" at the age of 12; making her promise that he would be the only man in her life until she married.

That's sort of sweet; even though he got her to vow to be a virgin until her wedding date. The sweetness ends, however, when he makes this kind of statement after the marriage:

Joe Simpson on Jessica's Virginity:

"What better gift to give her husband? Never touched by another man."
- Joe Simpson

Who gloats that they gave their son-in-law a great "gift" in the form of their fresh, unsullied, virginal daughter? The sick fuck known as Joe Simpson, that's who.

And let's not even start on the mind-fucking he's giving to his youngest daughter; pushing her to earn him a quick buck knowing all the while that she can't sing her way out of a paper bag with both ends cut out. He should be ashamed of himself.

The best article I've read so far on the greedy creep is this one. Touche is all I have to say to that.

 

Ashlee's Lame Posing Punk Rock Image

Ashlee Is a Goddamn PoserAshlee's claim to "punk" and "rock" is an insult to all true rockers and punkers that have come before and exist today. This alone is reason enough to hate her.

Punk rock? Punk rock?

Yes, because someone who coos "you make me wanna la la" is right on par with punk rockers such as Green Day and the great punks from days of yore like The Ramones and even The Sex Pistols.

Yes, Ashlee is right up there with that kind of music; I can hear the similarities, can't you?

Gimmeafuckingbreak.

 

Ashlee's Tweeny Cult Fans

Ashlee Thinks Her Fans Suck Too

The folks over at Ashlee Simpson Rock Legend & the Ashlee Simpson Rock Legend Forums are my idols for this little stint they pulled. Sure it's mean but you're not here reading & enjoying this site because of your sunshiny disposition, now are you?

The ASRL folks posted this "contest" on the official Ashlee site:

Hey ya'll! We're having a new contest that I think you'll like a lot! All you have to do is write a song or poem about how Ashlee's music has changed your life! Email your songs and poems to me! Don't forget to include your full name and age, must be twelve or older to enter. The winner will be flown to New York City to watch Ashlee Simpson at MTV studios on November 25th on TRL! The top five winners will be posted in the News section!

Good luck to everyone!

And the entries poured in. Enjoy. Thanks to the true ASRL rockers for allowing me to share the hilarity.

It's a shame that her fans who love her so much - so much that one of them even made the incongruous statement "she completes my life" - can't even be bothered to use spell check before submitting the outpouring of their hearts to their idol.

The truth of the matter is, though, that we don't have to go out of our way to make fun of the gamut of Ashlee's fans. They do a mighty fine job all by themselves.

Case in point, the Ashlee Simpson is a Human The Stop the "Stop Ashlee Simpson Petition" Petition, which reads thus:

We are deeply upset that people who themselves have no talent or are upset that Ashlee Simpson was given the opportunity to follow her dreams, are slashing her name. She is a human just trying to pursue her dreams. We are appalled that there are people who would judge her for doing what she wants, maybe they have heard her perform and she was bad, but maybe she had a cold, she is human, and humans have their off days.

We should all support her for going after her dreams, we should maybe think her she is after all just human like us. So we wish to stop the petition against Ashlee Simson titled, "STOP ASHLEE SIMPSON".

It's good to know that Ashlee's fans understand she is a human, but is this the only convincing argument they can come up with to save her name?

No, wait, there was also the point that she maybe "had a cold". There's also the fact that she could've been having an "off day". And she's human, don't forget that part.

Any wonder why this petition has a scant 40+ signatures?

Then there is always the more oft-signed Ashlee Simpson and Exclamation Points Rox!! Ashlee Simpson Rox!! Petition. I'm unsure just what the petition is for considering its a petition for a statement which makes about as much sense as someone thinking Ashlee is talented. The petition and all it's "!!!!" glory read thus:

Ashlee Simpson Rocks!! I think people shouldnt beable to stop Ashlee Simpson from singing, acting, modeling ect. Ashlee Simpson is a great role model for people!! She is teaching people to be themselves and not to care what others think!!!! So Ashlee Simpson makes a few mistakes shes only human!! So i say Ashlee SImpson Rox!!! So all Ashlee SImpson fans sighn this petition to get rid off all of the petitions trying to get rid of Ashlee Simpson!

In reality, this petition should read: Ashlee Simpson is a great exponent for exclamation points and bad spellers. She is causing young kids everywhere to rant and rave and create ridiculous petitions to stop petitions that point out she is human with excessive !'s and misspelled words. Because of this she obviously "rox". fUk da h8ters!!!!!

Yes, Ashlee's fans may not be the brightest bunch but we also must remember that they are children. They will grow up and possibly (hopefully) learn to spell correctly and will grow to have better taste in music. How many of us still listen to the pop music of our youngest teen years? I hope Ashlee realizes that as they age her already dwindling fan base will eventually disappear completely.

 

The Fan Mail Repository

Sign & View

You have the right to your opinion and the right to express it to me in angry, monosyllabic and atrociously misspelled emails and/or guestbook entries.

Before you hit "Send" remember that I, also, have the right to post said email/entry on this website and poke fun at your lack of English skills and obviously questionable musical taste.

You have been warned.

It should also be noted that all comments left in the Fan Mail Repository reflect the views of the person writing the comment and do not reflect my personal views. Whatever they happen to spew forth is on them.