"Love many things, for therein lies the true strength, and whosoever loves much performs much, and can accomplish much, and what is done in love is done well."
- Vincent van Gogh

Love of Self

Love of Laughter

Love of Geekdom

Love of Revenge

Love of the Internet

finding me

Just about everyone tracks their site's hits these days. With the latest trackers, you can also see what words or phrases people typed into search engines that brought them to your page.

These are some of the best, funniest, or just downright strangest ways that people have found their way to My comments on the insanity in italics.

Best Search Queries That Landed Someone Here

my wish is to fuck hilary duff
Not aiming real high there, are ya, buddy?

all native americans before columbus go to hell

she wanted to buy the best dog food in the world macro
I know you can create macros to do just about everything for you, but I'm still scratching my head over this one.

i hate burger king
That's nice, but why would you do an Internet search for it? I hate Scott Stapp but I don't bug Alta Vista about it.

bacon ramblings
Because I can go on and on for days about bacon - and apparently there is someone out there who would enjoy reading about it.

rhett butler frank sinatra women man want cocky
Women man want cocky? Wtf is this person searching for??! What in the hell does this even mean?

mascara caused car accident
Interesting search, that. However, it would be my belief that the accident was caused by the idiot applying mascara whilst driving, not the tube of mascara itself. But, you never know.

should people be talking on the phone while they drive
Not no, but hell fucking no. If you found this site in your search you know my answer to that.

cat being killed in blender
It might just be more helpful to do a search for "extremely big blenders". Otherwise, this is SO the place to read about and see pictures of cats dying in blenders. Err...

fired from hallmark
And looking for others online who have suffered the same fate? Really I cannot figure out the point of this search.

dogfart definition AND define dogfart AND what is a dogfart
These are three separate search queries. Am I the definitive seach for the definition of the word "dogfart" online? Apparently. This stems from my asking that very question on my "Silly Spam Titles" page. This still, for me and apparently many others, has never been satisfactorily answered. Anyone? Bueller?

wife is not interested in sex
And how is Yahoo! Search supposed to help you with this one?

what do my batteries become once i recycle them
Does it matter? I bet the Internet doesn't agree with the term 'there are no stupid questions'.

tongue kissing he's going to cum
Some people are very explicit about their porn searches.

geocities pumping in and out
But first you should definitely see "Geocities Does Dallas".

move my lips across your hips
Exactly what are you searching for here? Song lyrics or porn?

armless legless and goatless
It sounds as if this person has problems that even the Internet does not have answers for. This site certainly doesn't. Perhaps I should start a forum for armless, legless, and goatless people; I just have a sneaking suspicion that there won't be many members.

pictures of someone drooling
You know, if that's what turns you on, um, okay. I know some people have "different" sexual tastes, but someone drooling? I am happy to report that they didn't find what they were looking for here!

can i believe in astrology
It's amazing the things people expect Google to magically tell them.

things roaches hate
People? Raid? My website?

is it okay to drink a bottle of wine with dinner
Only if you don't tell mommy.

why doesn't god love me
That's almost too sad to poke fun at. Almost. I know Google can answer just about anything, but this is stretching it.

how to pimp whores
I wonder if you can get a dummies book for that? "Pimping Whores for Dummies"

buddhists going to hell
Amazing to think they'd go to a place that doesn't exist for them, eh?

wild animals with bucked teeth
Honestly - what can I say to that?

what does it mean when a person has green on their teeth
What indeed. Perhaps that it's time to brush?

light me a cigarette and i'll suck your dick baby
I can just hear all of my male readers sighing, "If only it were that easy."

passionate crotch grind
Now there's a classic phrase. Can't you just see someone say, "Oh come on. There's nothing quite like a passionate crotch grind!"

what does it mean when the cock comes out of a wine bottle in pieces
I think they meant 'cork'. But if not, uh, time to get a new cock?

sodomy for straight people
Is, surprise, pretty much the same as it is for gay people!? Jeez.

lounger for building stomach muscles
It's always been my impression that loungers build fat butts, but don't do much for muscle tone.

will converting to another religion make me go to hell?
Yes. Didn't you know God runs AskJeeves?

rape him with
I'm dying to know the rest of this sentence...

belch and burping websites
Of which mine isn't, so not quite sure how they ended up here. I think I'll sit down and look for websites about gaseous bodily functions; that sounds fun.

moan stare breath finger
Let's just type four random, raunchy words into the search engine and see what comes up. One of Shanna's erotica stories, no doubt!

how to suck and lick the nipples harden or taunt
First, off nipples may get 'taut' but they don't get 'taunt' (and the word should be 'hard' not 'harden') and secondly, if you have to look up on the Internet how to make a nipple hard, then something is very wrong.

how do you tell if your mouth is too narrow for your teeth and tongue
Maybe it's just me, but seems like if you had this problem, you'd just know.

irish women kept captive as slaves and raped by cousin at wedding
The best ever. I have no idea what's going on here. Multiple Irish slaves, some random person being raped at someone's wedding. This is the best search spam I have ever seen. Perhaps even more bizarre is that there search led them here, to my Syls Family Epic. Some things we are not meant to understand.

fear of stickers and I'm only 4'10"
Both of these were queries people used that brought them to my 100 Things About Me page. I really can't tell you how excited I am that I'm (obviously) not the only person who has a fear of stickers! 91% of the people that found this page via a search engine found it this way. And I thought I was the only strange one.

I'm still pondering over why someone would do a search for "I'm only 4'10". Not "4'10"" tall people" or even just "4'10"", but "I'm only 4'10". Lucky for them, that is exactly how I phrased it on my page.

you may have low self-esteem and can be very picky you are artistic and like to fall in love but you let your l love pass you by by loving with your mind not your heart
This could possibly be the longest search engine spam ever. I didn't even know you could fit that many characters into a search box!!

what is the matter with shanna
Well, lots of things, I'm sure. First off, what kind of a question is that anyway to type into a search engine. Secondly, how in the world did it end them up at my astrology page?! 75% of the people that found this page thru a search engine typed in the above. What gives?

shanna cox
Can someone please tell me who Shanna Cox is? 100% of the people that found my contact page found it by typing this into the search engine. Who is she?

dinner wine
What's funny about that you ask? Absolutely nothing - it's a pretty straight-forward and reasonably self-explanatory search spam. What's funny, is that by typing it in, people were led to my erotica story, "Dinner & Wine". Not what they were expecting, eh?

nipple pouring wine
Another search that led to the above mentioned erotica story. I'm almost tempted myself to do this search if there is, in fact, a nipple that pours forth wine. Wouldn't that be a hoot at parties?

it goes straight to my hips
What an odd thing to search for. Especially considering it led to my erotica story, "Sex Across the Miles" and that they went to it. One then has to wonder just what this person is swallowing that they are worried will go "straight to" their hips? I was always led to believe that cum was fat free.

green something it was called you could shoot your desktop
Um...huh? This brainfart led someone to my Confessions of a Computer Geek page. Does this person a ctually believe that typing "..something it was called" is going to make any difference to the search engine? This is the kind of thing that makes us i.t. techs want to slap people. Honey, try typing "green*" rather than a literal translation of what you mean. The computer is smarter than you, I'll agree, but it still doesn't speak homosapien.

someone drooling in front of computer
Though this led, also, to my pc geek page, I sincerely and with every ounce of my being hope that the people (yes, more than one) weren't really searching for sexual pics of people drooling in front of a computer. But in my years online, nothing shocks me anymore - it is entirely possible.

this is me naked on my webcam
It still never ceases to amaze me how explicit people get with search engine queries. Why not just type "people naked on their webcam". You would get the same results, you know?

swallowing cum to prevent colds
Has anyone found out if this is true or not? It would be intersting to know, now wouldn't it? Jeez.

death of innocent child to cure pain
Yes, I thought the same thing. I can think of about 1.1 million different ways to relieve myself of pain and not one of them have anything to do with murdering an innocent child. What's scariest about this is that more than one person (quite a few, actually) typed this into a search engine. Wtf?

scars on my arms that will never go away a cat a dog what do i say for today
Um, if you know the entire poem already, then why are you doing a search for it? I don't know they ended up on my site, it's nothing I wrote.

peeing while surfing the internet
While I can understand how this spam made it to my article/rant on the iloo snafu (the porta-can with 'net access that Microsoft proposed), I have the sneaking suspicion that this person was looking for something else.

minivan porta potties
What else can you say so to something like that except for wtf?


Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe.
- Albert Einstein.

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