The Westbank Shopper
Plaquemine, Louisiana is the seat of Iberville Parish and from here a small newspaper, known as The Westbank Shopper is distributed, free, to all Ibervillians (it claims to reach 17,000 patrons).
It contains local goings-on, coupons and ads. It also includes a section that has brought many laughs to my family and me known as Hotline.
I don't know where people call in or send their Hotline complaints to have them published in the paper, and TWS doesn't say. I do know that what does appear there oft makes me ashamed to have been born and raised in Iberville parish; or Louisiana at all, for that matter.
I have read some of the most ignorant calls/letters in this section that I've ever come across and realize that growing up and leaving this parish with a working and reasoning brain was more of a feat than I'd ever imagined.
Naturally, not everyone in Iberville Parish is this stupid or misguided; I know this personally. It's a lovely parish and I'm proud to be from there. Yet everyone has the "trash" in their area that they aren't proud of and have to deal with; these are the people that make these calls and write these letters.
Read on, you'll laugh, you'll be angry, you'll shake your head in utter disbelief - but I promise you that everything you read here was truly written or called in by someone who thinks they know it all.
The Westbank Shopper and Hotline all property of Plaquemine, Louisiana.
All of these great. Use the menu, or scroll down to join in the laughter.
* Indicates a new entry.
These are some gems - let me rip them a new one piece by piece. Their bilge in brown text; my comments in regular text.
I heard somewhere that they were going to make our kids adhere to some kind of "no-name calling" week.
Yes, the "No-Name Calling Week" put together by the Gay Lesbian & Straight Education Network out of NY is something we should ban. Of course, even though it covers ALL name-calling, we sure wouldn't want to teach our children not to make fun of others or belittle those they feel are "different" from them. I mean, what kind of children would we be raising? Kind, loving, accepting and understanding ones? Screw that!
I think this is all about giving the liberals anything they want and trying to bury the notion that Americans are great people.
There go those damn liberals again - wanting everyone to love one another and treat their fellow humans with humanity and compassion. I mean, where's the sense in that?! Don't you know Jesus was just JOKING when he said that shit? He didn't *really* mean everyone was equal and you should love and help out others. You really thought he came down to Earth to forgive everyone's sins? No, that was a *joke*! Jesus was just making the rounds on a comedy tour. Duh.
We don't hear anything about stopping people in Iraq from hating us.
And how would we go about that? Create a "Say 'I Love Americans' or Get Shot in the Head" day? Personally, if we cared about the Iraqis hating us, we wouldn't have went over there in the first place.
But as Americans, we're all wrong. How do you like that? This is just another way to give acceptance to people who don't fit in, and are trying to force us to tolerate them!
Because, omg, giving *acceptance* to people who *don't fit in* would be the end of the world as we know it. Tell me, moron, what defines someone who "doesn't fit in"? Would this be someone that doesn't agree with *your* values and morals? So you're saying we should "not tolerate" and demean those that are "different" in YOUR eyes? The whole world should hate the people you hate, correct? Frankly your fear-based ignorance is appalling and if *anything* should not be tolerated in this country it is the bigoted, self-righteous bilge that comes out of boorish brains such as yours. Suck on that.
Did you people maybe think that these "so-called victims" were misfits of society who refuse to conform to good, clean American living?
Good, clean American living then, by your definition, constitutes shunning those that aren't ultra-conservative Christian bigots like you and your kind? Good, clean American living is, then, living a life that is in direct opposition to the teachings of the religion you so fervently cling to? Americans should be, in your opinion, spiteful, hypocritical ignoramus? If so, then you're doing an outstanding job at being an American; keep up the good work.
I fully understand the anger over the cartoon character "Sponge Bob" and others and how they're using this to bring into schools to tell our kids to understand kids who are different.
Lovely grammar there, darling. In light of it, it isn't at all surprising that you "fully understand the anger over the cartoon character 'Sponge Bob'". I sincerely hope your parents didn't waste too much money on your "education".
What they're really saying is that you have people who are living in lifestyles non-conducive to Christianity, it's not really a bad thing.
Who is really saying this? Sponge Bob? Sponge Bob is telling you and your children not to be Christian-like? That's amazing, really. I think it's absolutely hilarious that you people think S.B. is homosexual because he holds his friend Patrick's hand. No really, it's a hoot. Ever heard of "grasping at straws?" No? Try this one on, then: You morons are teaching your children that every time they grasp the hand of a playmate of the same sex THEY ARE GAY. And you're worried about the message these *cartoons* are spreading?!
That's why I won't let my kids watch Sesame Street or these others shows that try to shove diversity down our throats and make us adhere to what liberals want us to accept as normal behavior.
No, sweets, the reason you don't let your children watch Sesame Street is because you're an idiot who's so worried about teaching your children to shun people who think or act differently you don't even notice your own hypocrisy against the very God you claim to worship. "Normal behavior" is being nice to others and accepting of *everyone*, regardless if they think, act, dress, eat, sleep and/or FUCK differently than you; this isn't a "liberal" concept - it's called humanity. And seriously, if watching a television show forces you to act other than how you normally would, you might just want to consider throwing out the TV set completely.
I honestly believe the reason we have the tragedies and disasters we're having today is because god is fed up with the way we're straying away from his path and if this school system brings that Sponge Bob garbage into my child's classroom, I'm pulling him out the school system and suing the school board.
You do that - you sue the school board and home school your child so he never has to hear about Sponge Bob Square Pants again. That makes absolute sense to me. You are right about one thing, God/dess is fed up with the way you and those like you are straying from His/Her path. He/She - It is fed up with you smearing It's good name with your hate-mongering, your chastising and your condemnations. Every time you spread fear, hate and hurt "in God's name" you are making a mockery of God and the very foundations of the "teachings of Christ" you claim to hold so dear. People like you are the reason I stopped calling myself a "Christian".
These letters really angered me. For parents to deny a "No-Name Calling" week because it might make it seem OKAY to be NICE to gay people or those that are "different" hurts my very soul. I'm not gay, but in school I, like many others, got picked on and called names because I was "different" - because I didn't "fit in". Kids can be cruel and that's a given - but when the parents are egging them on, teaching them to mistreat and outcast others it almost seems as if all hope is lost. It is not - not EVER - okay to hate someone because they don't "fit in" to your neat little package of "what should be" or "what is acceptable".
And I'm not saying all of this because I'm a "liberal" or a "non-Christian" but because I'm a human being and why would I shun and condemn my fellow brethren so harshly simply because we aren't the same? Who are you to say your way is the right one and who are you to cast out and injure those that don't agree? Who are we to pass judgment on anyone else? We all live in glass houses, my friends.
People of Iberville Parish, for the love of all things holy and sacred, please, stop drinking the water!!!
I am convinced that the majority of Ibervillians are either insane or are completely lacking the sense god gave a goose; or a snail, for that matter.
My sister says, when she sends me this stuff, "be merciless" - but do I really have to? With such blaring stupidity what more can I say? These people mock themselves just by opening their mouths.
Don't tax us again...
First off, Miss Know It All, did you know that most of the Louisiana boys we've lost to the war were National Guard? Don't tell me they volunteered with the idea that they may be sent off to war someday. No, we don't have a draft "anymore" but a lot of the vets you're claiming we shouldn't help were drafted - my grandfather, for one. They didn't choose to get sent to war - but they went, they fought, some were wounded and some never came home. If we don't take care of our vets, above everyone and everything else other than our children, then what kind of a country are we? If it weren't for them we wouldn't have the freedoms we take for granted; such as the one that allows you to stand up and bash the true heroes of our country. You appreciate what they do, do you? Has anyone in your family ever gone to war? Do you know anyone personally that is fighting in this war now? My guess is no, otherwise you might not be so quick to throw out such ignorant judgements.
These are pure Hotline classics - enjoy:
TIME TO BAN THEM...
Christians weren't allowed to vote! Omg! I didn't know about this - did you know about this? If Christians weren't allowed to vote then I want a freakin' recount because there's NO WAY Bush could've won.
You should come and join us in Reality sometime, it might not be as interesting a place as the one in your head where you reside, but it can be quite beneficial for daily living.
From Americans United:
The Founding Fathers did not create a secular government because they disliked religion. Many were believers themselves. Yet they were well aware of the dangers of church-state union. They had studied and even seen first-hand the difficulties that church-state partnerships spawned in Europe. During the American colonial period, alliances between religion and government produced oppression and tyranny on our own shores.
Really, though, let's forget the facts and the intentions of our founding fathers and live as all bigoted, self-righteous Christians believe we should: forcing everyone to become a follower of their Christ or "lock them up and throw away the key". Do or die. I mean, that's the Christian thing to do, right? Jesus didn't really mean it when he said "Love thy enemies." He was just joking. That silly Jesus.
But what do I know? I'm just another Satanic Liberal who locked up Christians so they couldn't vote and forced young kids to pop firecrackers.
IT WON'T HELP US!
I think the people in Plaquemine should be a little less worried about "an influx of outsiders who will infest our community" and a little more concerned with the complete fucking morons that are already there.
WHAT ARE THEY THINKING?
LET US HUNT WHERE WE WANT!
A BIG MISTAKE...
But this is my favorite: State Legislature should've called a Special Session....to decide how to make Nick Saban stay. Oh..god...it's ...too ...much. I can't...stop...laughing.
A few more installments of Hotline Hilarity for you!
I Hate Walking!
However, if your only problem is that you don't "like" to walk far - let this little truly-handicapped bitch set your lazy, selfish, undeserving-of-two-good-legs ass straight right now. I have a handicap tag because I can't walk far; not that I don't want to - I can't - I don't have a choice, like you.
I'm sorry you don't like walking far - let me cry you a fucking river. I'd love to be able to decide I don't "like" to walk far; yet that's something I'll never have. No, because a pair of working legs is a blessing bestowed on indolent wastes of flesh like you - for reasons I'll never quite understand. Slothful cows like you who don't appreciate it get working legs; people who would rather take handicap spaces from people who need them rather than your selfish, corpulent ass having to take a few extra steps.
May you NEVER find a close parking spot for the rest of your days, you scurrilous swine!!!
Give Us NASCAR In Schools
First of all, kid, no - school is not about teaching you about "things important in America". It's supposed to teach you how to read and write and do math. This is to help you get a good job someday so that you can support your three ex-wives, ten children and the payments on your trailer, 4-wheeler and tricked-out pick-up truck. Without a job you can't pay the hunting license to go kill things, or the cable bill to watch your beloved NASCAR. That is what school is for.
Besides, most children graduating from Louisiana today already know more about NASCAR - along with hunting, fishing, beer and tricked-out pick-up trucks - than they do about reading and writing. There's no need to push their education further out the way so they can study up on their redneck and coonass ways; that's a birthright - you kids come out of the womb knowing that shit.
So, concentrate on your studies a little more, and the NASCAR a little less and you may be able to afford a double-wide someday instead of a plain trailer.
What a Shame!
Moron, hospitals and police departments never close - you think just because it's MLK day, they should shut off the life support machines and let everyone die? Why not? It's it MLK day, the nurses and doctors shouldn't have to come to work - no one in the hospital needs meds, or surgery or check-ups. Fuck 'em - let them all die, it's fucking MLK day. And you're a fucking idiot.
You know, in the real world - where normal people have to toil to earn their way - we go to work. It's pretty easy for someone who probably gets a welfare check mailed to them the first of every month to think everyone should be off work on MLK day. But, unlike you, we work for a living. Something I think even Mr. King would approve of.
I'm sorry to inform you that "National holiday" doesn't mean the country stops functioning. Some businesses have to stay open, regardless if it's Christmas, the 4th of fucking July, or the day Martin Luther King popped from his mother's loins. This is the way the real world works. Perhaps if you were a contributing member of society, you might realize that.
The only "low-down, dirty" shame here is that you they published this shit you called in.
Get Off Our Backs
Do you people even listen to yourselves before you call this shit in? If one of you dumbasses getting in their way got hurt, you'd be sueing them before the cinders cooled. They're telling you to move for your own safety - so you don't get hurt; and theirs, so they don't get sued.
What if it was your house burning down and a bunch of neighborhood morons kept getting in the firefighters' way and they couldn't save your house? Ever think of that? Have you ever thought at all?
They're fighting a fire - and possibly trying to save lives. You expect them to stop and be courteous to you??
"Excuse me, sir, I'm trying to save this screaming little girl from this burning building. Would you mind kindly stepping out of the way so that we can get to her?"
Time To Set An Example
While you may not like the "filth" that appears on the movie channels, others might. Just because it offends your delicate morals, doesn't mean you can shut it off from everyone else in the world.
And for your information, there are already an abundance of religious and country stations on the cable out there. There are more religious and country stations than there are of anything else - except maybe the QVC channels. I don't see it making any huge contributions to the community, especially not in the "smarts" department; as far as I can see, you're all a bunch of moronic, straight-laced hypocrites.
Last, but not least, taking the movie channels off the cable in a small Louisiana parish will do sqaut for helping "turn the world around". Really, you should get out more.
Outsourcing Is Good!
And, too, how can I argue with someone who rounds up his argument by pointing out that there will be "extra time to hunt and fish"? Pure genius, folks. Pure. Genius.
So what I can take away from this piece, is that anything that puts money in his pockets is a good thing. Nice.
Let's tell that to the generations of family-owned businesses that are going out of business here in Southern Louisiana because we're getting our "sugar, rice and all other items" cheaper elsewhere? It's okay, everyone - we're putting money in the stockholders pockets. Doesn't that make you feel better?
Sorry, granny and gramps - I know you can get all of your medications cheaper ordering them from Canada, and I know you'll die without those meds and you can't afford them otherwise, but you're taking money from the stockholders' pockets! You don't want to do that, now do you?
It makes me wonder why isn't it legal to hunt and kill people like this?
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